[Davis_Zadian]

<div style="text-align: center;">JOKES'n FUN STUFF

Anything that can put a smile on the face, a funny story, a joke or amusing situation... why not post it here to cheer us all up.. I am not sure of the rules in this case (Dan feel free to edit this post to your own preferences), but for the moment, please keep all jokes clean....


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Ok, so I have a story that happened to me while I was at my place of work last year. I worked for National Grid on their 24/7 emergency contact centre for gas leaks across the whole of the UK. I had just taken on a new role in the department, and was issued a company laptop to work from. I sent an email down to the security office with the following request :


" Hi, could I please have details on how to access the WIFI "


I hit the send button in the email software, anddidn'tthinkany moreabout it. about 6 minutes later, Mr Security man was at my desk with a look of such anger and restraint to twist me into an interesting balloon animal.... What had happened is that the spell checker had got hold of my email as it was being sent, and 'corrected' my message to now say :


" Hi, could I please have details on how to access the WIFE "


I was marched off to the security office (not knowing what I had done), and when we got there and he showed me the mail he hadreceived, I burst out laughing... which didn't help as you can imagine... we got itstraitenedout, and Mr Security man got his own back, by requesting a full security review of me.... which takes about 5 hours to complete.... Grrrr...


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[fossil01]

<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px;"><div style="color: rgb0, 0, 0; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; : rgb255, 255, 255;"><div style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;"><div id="ecxyiv2018796432"><div style="color: rgb0, 0, 0; font-family: lucida console, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; : rgb255, 255, 255;"><div style="font-family: lucida console, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><div style="font-family: times new roman, new york, times, serif; font-size: 12pt;"><div id="ecxyiv2018796432"><blockquote><div ="ecxyiv2018796432gmail_quote"><blockquote>Remember that snake oil salesman who walked up Downing Street in in 1997 saying "My government's three major priorities are Education, Education and Education"?
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<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px;">This is the result...............
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<div dir="ltr"><blockquote><div dir="ltr"><blockquote><div dir="ltr"><table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td width="100%">
<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr><td width="100%"><table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td><table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td><div align="center">BRAINS OF BRITAIN


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Jeremy Paxman:</td><td>What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Homosexuals.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Jeremy Paxman:</td><td>No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Jamie Theakston:</td><td>Where do you think Cambridge University is?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Geography isn't my strong point.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Jamie Theakston:</td><td>There's a clue in the title.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Leicester</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">BBC NORFOLK</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Stewart White:</td><td>Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>I don't know.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Stewart White:</td><td>I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Arm</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Stewart White:</td><td>Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Strong.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Stewart White:</td><td>Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Louis</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Stewart White:</td><td>Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Frank Sinatra?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Alex Trelinski:</td><td>What is the capital of Italy ?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>France ...</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Trelinski:</td><td>France is another country. Try again.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Oh, um, Benidorm.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Trelinski:</td><td>Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Sorry, I don't know.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Trelinski:</td><td>Just guess a country then.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Paris ..</td></tr></t></table>



<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Anne Robinson</td><td>Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison, or the Conservative Party?
</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>The Conservative Party.</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>DJ Mark:</td><td>For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Ruth from Rowley Regis:</td><td>I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Bamber Gascoigne:</td><td>What was Gandhi's first name?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Goosy?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">GWR FM ( Bristol )</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Presenter:</td><td>What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )</td><td> </td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Phil:</td><td colSpan="2">What's 11 squared?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>I don't know.</td><td> </td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Phil:</td><td>I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.</td><td> </td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Is it five?</td><td> </td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">RICHARD AND JUDY</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Richard:</td><td>Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Forrest Gump.</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">RICHARD AND JUDY</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Richard:</td><td>On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Err. ... ...</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Richard:</td><td>He makes bread ... .. .</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Err .. .....</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Richard:</td><td>He makes cakes ... .. .</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Kipling Street ?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">LINCS FM PHONE-IN</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Presenter:</td><td>Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Barcelona ....</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Presenter:</td><td>I was really after the name of a country.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Question:</td><td>What is the world's largest continent?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>The Pacific.</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">ROCK FM ( PRESTON )</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Presenter:</td><td>Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Who Framed Roger Rabbit?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Steve Le Favre:</td><td>What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Magna Carta?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>James O'Brien:</td><td>How many kings of England have been called Henry?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Err, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Chris Searle:</td><td>In which European country is Mount Etna ?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Caller:</td><td>Japan ...</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Chris Searle:</td><td>I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Caller:</td><td>Err ........ Mexico ?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Paul Wappat:</td><td>How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant (long pause):</td><td>Fourteen days.</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Daryl Denham:</td><td>In which country would you spend shekels?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Holland ?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Daryl Denham:</td><td>Try the next letter of the alphabet..</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Iceland ? Ireland ?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Daryl Denham: (helpfully)</td><td>It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>No.</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Phil Wood:</td><td>What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Err... ..... ...</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Phil Wood:</td><td>It's got two syllables . . . Kor .</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Blimey?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Phil Wood:</td><td>Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>(Silence)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Phil Wood:</td><td>OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Walked?</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">THE VAULT</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Melanie Sykes:</td><td>What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Nostalgia.</td></tr></t></table>


<table style="color: rgb34, 34, 34; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><t><tr vAlign="top"><td colSpan="2">LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Presenter:</td><td>What religion was Guy Fawkes?</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Contestant:</td><td>Jewish.</td></tr><tr vAlign="top"><td>Presenter:</td><td>That's close enough.</td></tr></t></table>




</td></tr></t></table></td></tr></t></table></td></tr></t></table></td></tr></t></table>
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</blockquote>

 

[Davis_Zadian]

<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: center;">OMG that was funny, I have tears rolling down my face... that was great !!
<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: center;">

 

[fossil01]

Glad to make someone happy

.

 

[fossil01]

<div style=": white;" ="ecxyiv617240663Msonormal">Absolutely Unbelievable - Thomas Cook IT?

<div style=": white;" ="ecxyiv617240663Msonormal">


<div style=": white;" ="ecxyiv617240663Msonormal">


<div style=": white;" ="ecxyiv617240663Msonormal">


<div style=": white;" ="ecxyiv617240663Msonormal">From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele's genuine complaints.




1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."




2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."


3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."


4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."


7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."


10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."


12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."


13.. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."


14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."


15. "The roads were uneven.."


16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."


17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."


18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"


19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."


20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."


21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."


22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."


23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.

We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."



<div style=": white;" ="ecxyiv617240663Msonormal">No virus found in this message.

 

[micky b-max]

They walk among us!!

 

[Davis_Zadian]

<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; : rgb251, 251, 253;">18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"[/b]<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; : rgb251, 251, 253;">
[/b]
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; : rgb251, 251, 253;">

LMAO

[/b]

 

[Davis_Zadian]

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a (P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">----------------------------------------------------------------------
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Something loose in cockpit.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Something tightened in cockpit.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Dead bugs on windshield.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Live bugs on back-order.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Evidence removed.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: DME volume set to more believable level.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: That's what they're for.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: IFF inoperative.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Suspected crack in windshield.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Suspect you're right.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Number 3 engine missing.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Aircraft handles funny.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Target radar hums.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Mouse in cockpit.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Cat installed.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;"><br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">And the best one for last ...
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
<br style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[fossil01]

You 'Little Ripper'

!!!!

 

[Davis_Zadian]

Ripper? as in taken from a joke website? yup.... they would not trust me to fly planes...

 

[fossil01]

Subject: The Green thing

When at a store checkout the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags in future because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got blunt.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the shop and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two streets.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2200watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the county of Yorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not polystyrene or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn't expect to have out of season products flown thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked food that didn't come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrapping and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people caught a train or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza place.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we oldies were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad.

 

[Davis_Zadian]

Reminds me of the heated discussions over GREEN battery powered cars, over nasty petrol burning cars.... I think when they plug their green battery powered cars, the electrical charge comes from rainbows...

 

[fossil01]

That reminds me of a time back in the '80's when the Midlands Electricity Board had a small fleet of Bedford CF Battery Powered vans for electricians to use within a radius of 20 miles around each depot.

We had the local TV News crews [BBC and ATV] come out to the Central Transport Workshop to film an electric powered van going up a dual carriageway. They had decided that two runs were not enough, and asked for a further run to take place.

It happened, but the Land Rover which had to tow the van wasn't shown in the footage!!! The battery rack fitted under the chassis had run out of Umph by then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Davis_Zadian]

 

[fossil01]

I take it you liked that little snippet Davis_Zadian?

 

[rogerhume]

WE WERE BROUGHT UP
PROPERLY !!

" And we never had a whole Mars bar until
1993"!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 1940's, 50's,
60's and even early 70's.

First, we survived being born to mothers who
smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and
processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical
cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright
coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine
bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or
shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we
would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the
garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and
chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos. Even though all the
shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve
to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them
in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gob stoppers, Bubble Gum and some
bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate biscuits, white bread and real
butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight
because...

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in
the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights
came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend
hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only
to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in
river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii
, X-boxes, no video games at all, no hundreds of channels on SKY, no video/dvd
films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We
fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits
from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms
and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter
time..

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th
birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the
door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to
work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had try outs and not
everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with
disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT!!

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes.

The idea of a
parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided
with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like
'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL
!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to
share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the
lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And
while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their
parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at
your age

 

[Davis_Zadian]

..Indeedfossil01
..

There are some cars that are doing their best to be greener, like the Tesla S, that has 300 miles of range on one charge the torqueis crazy too, but the roof is made up of solar panels...

<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: center;">...and it has a dashboard to rival any NASA space shuttle....
<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: center;">

<div style="text-align: left;">I can't help but wonder what the range would be WITHOUT the huge IPAD they welded to the dash...

Edited by: Davis_Zadian

 

[fossil01]

Oh how so absolutely TRUE

.

I can also remember hearing about ONLY 2 Child Molesters in my youth - 1 being a local Solicitor, and 1 a local Teacher.

 

[fossil01]

Brilliant young SIR!

 

[fossil01]

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

(It used to be white humour)

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________